I refused to touch it.  I pretended it didn’t exist.  I was frustrated with it; I was frustrated with her (my guide). I felt guilty being frustrated with her because she is naught but goodness & light and heartfelt support. Heck, I think my pc actually glows when her emails show up.  But none the less I forced myself to stay frustrated. “Go back and review week 2 or 3… Your PPN’s don’t match… maybe you’ve got the wrong ones.”  Oh, what does she know?  So I did all manner of chores today — things I needed to do that I’d been ignoring for the MasterKey work. CLIENT work even!  And then, I opened her email…again…. (yes, the computer was glowing with her goodness) and then I opened my DMP, and looked at it… and then I went and found my list of PPNs… and I stared at it.

I had Helping People and Autonomy.  Autonomy was a definite. I’d quit… uh… retired my day job 6 years ago to do my own thang (Fired the Boss!) I have said — a couple of times — that I’d rather collect cans from dumpsters than go back to a “job.” Once or twice, I thought I might be headed there.  And I stared at the PPNs… Helping People was a definite! I always helped people. Half the time I’m not doing what I should be doing for me, because I’m helping someone else with their stuff! It’s a trend in my life.  I wrote a post recently… “continuously helping other people is sometimes a really convenient excuse for not helping yourself… (signed… Martyr)” Ugh.  But WHY isn’t it coming up in the DMP? Looked over the others… Recognition for Creative Expression. Nah… That’s kind of selfish… egotistical.  Let’s see, I do a daily motivational message that I sell… to help people.  I do podcasts that I don’t sell, but I do try to get people to go listen… and take their friends to listen… Wow… motivational speaker… and I want to hear that I spoke well and made a difference and… COACHING… same thing. Oh crap! And then… the PPN started re-writing itself, almost, and I could slide in that “recognition piece” all over it.  Snap!  I needed to find a different PPN. But here’s the thing.

I’ve spent a lot of time keeping my ego “in check” because my family was pretty much destroyed, and there was so much pain over the issues caused us because my father let his ego get out of control. He pretty much destroyed his life and I’ve been determined not to let it happen to me.  But, I discovered something else. Your ego can help you do things; overcome obstacles. Your ego is the part of you that’s cocky enough to say, “heck yeah… I can do that; no problem!” And sometimes, when you subdue your ego… you subdue the power you had… to act. There have been many times in my not too distant past… when I really missed my old ego… but that’s another post, for another time. Heck we’ve got 22 weeks left? I got time.

So I am a creative… and I do want recognition for my creative efforts… the creative things I do and… it’s important. So I rewrote my DMP, and sent it back. I still spend a lot of time helping people… did I mention that I’m also a photographer? Yeah. How’d I miss THAT one?

If you’re having trouble with your PPNs … maybe you’re trying to run from something that you actually need to EMBRACE!  See you  next week.